It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
