I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
