My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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