I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
