I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
