I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
