Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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