Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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