question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
