I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
