"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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