Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Found the puke drawer
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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