for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
