**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
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