I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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