I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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