apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
