I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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