You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
