I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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