I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
