Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
