and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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