Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
