I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
