did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
