I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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