dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize