You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
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