Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
