Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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