Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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