I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
