i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I think we might need a safe word for this...
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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