I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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