It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
then he tried to convert me to islam
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
