"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
