I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
