i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
