I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Randomize
