I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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