ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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