Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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