the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
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