sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
