I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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