Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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