He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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