Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
