my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
