the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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