I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
