You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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