For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You pole danced in your parka.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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