So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Randomize
