Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
