I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
