Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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