I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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