The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
