a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
