I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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