this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
