nutella sex= disaster
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
