Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
