I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
