She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
