Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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