oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
That's when you crack a 10am beer
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize