Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
