guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
