What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
