my mouth tastes like poor choices
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
