You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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