I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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