at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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