I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Houston, we have a blender
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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